The All Too Familiar Feeling Of Disappointment

You would think that by now, after getting my hope knocked down millions of times, that I would be used to this. Oddly enough, I'm still heartbroken every time. I don't understand how someone can make a promise and not keep it. I don't understand how you can work so hard to make things go right and they just go wrong.

Today was my last day of working in the deli for the summer. I was happy and hopeful and excited for the night to come. Some people (who aren't good enough to me to be called "friends", but are too good to me to be called "coworkers") planned to have a midnight swim party to celebrate my hiatus and the end of summer. It sounded fun. I thought that this would be my last chance to really have fun this summer after working so hard. I was promised that even though I didn't have a ride, somehow I would get to the party. And somehow I would have a fun night. Well...I didn't get to the party and I am most certainly not having a fun night. I've been chain smoking and listening to Explosions in the Sky. Does that sound fun?! NO!

So, really...why am I upset?

I thought that maybe after all the sucky "friendships" I've had, that these people might actually be worth my while. I thought that they actually cared enough about me to make sure that I got to the party. But I'm not so important to them and that's the hardest thing to live with. I'm disappointed that I don't mean nearly as much to them as they do...did...to me.

Responsibility

I don't really know what I'm doing. Nor do I know what I'm supposed to be doing. I mean, I have an idea; I'm supposed to go to school and get a degree, then get a job, then get married, then have babies, then retire, and then die statistic. But I don't want to. Do I really have to?

It seems like a lot of responsibility to put on one person. To live a photo-copied life of another's. What is that? Society. And I'm against it. I'm against the idea and the responsibility. I'm going to school and I'm going to get my degree and then I'm going to drive a VW van across the country with some good friends. We're going to stop in every state and write a song. And perform it. Once we get to California, I want to be free of the human race and exist solely with Nature. But is that really going to happen? Who knows?

39 MPH in a 20 MPH Zone

Today, I got my first (and LAST) ticket. In my own community! I'm so furious that I could curse in public! I don't like to do that because it isn't ladylike, but also because I want to save it for when I'm really, really, really angry. Ugh. This day just sucks and I want...need it to be over.  I feel like crying.

On the bright side, the ticket won't go on my license because it wasn't on a real road. It was just in my community. Whoopie...

Mutual Friends

Sometimes, people you know can change your life. And sometimes, people you know know other people that can change your life.

I got a friend request on Facebook from David Malachowski today. Now, I have a mutual friend with Anthony Rapp. One of my idols. And it's not just somebody he's worked with once a million years ago. He's the guitarist that goes on tour with him and has been playing with him since Rent opened in 1996!

I feel as though today marks the beginning of my life. Maybe I'll get to meet him. And if I do meet him, maybe I'll get to meet Anthony. Then, I can cross that off my bucket list. How amazing is that?! Wow! There is hope for happiness!

I Have This Friend

He hurts me without even knowing. Without even trying. I don't want to love him, but for some stupid reason...I do. I wish he thought about me as often as I think about him. I wish he cared about me like he does his current friends. And I wish it wasn't so blatantly obvious that we'll never be together. I hate that it's pretty much impossible for us to be anything more than friends. It's not fair and it hurts my feelings.

I formed a band with my best friend. We're called Juniper and Lamplight. Our first song is about him. A lot of the songs I write are about him. She doesn't know that. Yet. I'll tell her eventually so we can both sing it with the same meaning. But for now, I'd like to just keep it to myself. Maybe the feelings will go away. And then again, maybe they won't. "But what else can we do but hope and pray and say that we'll get by? "

This is a screenshot of what this blog currently looks like from my computer. Currently, my purple Dell Inspiron (who I like to call "Mister") is very temperamental. He pretty much only works when he wants to and usually throws a fit when I'm at school. Apparently, he hates Bethlehem and I have no idea why. But this summer I'm trying to save money for a Mac. They last so much longer and I would sure hope so seeing as how expensive they are. This post is for thirty or forty-something me that's looking back. Enjoy the blast from the past!

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

When I was 5, I wanted to be a lion.
When I was 10, I wanted to be an astronaut/actress.
When I was 15, I wanted to be a rock star.
Now I'm 20 and I have this whole plan for my life, but there's so much more I want to do.

After I graduate college, I want to move to NYC. There, I want to find an apartment and a roommate (or 5) to split the rent. I want to get a quick job at a Starbucks or something while auditioning for Broadway shows and professional choirs. I want to give myself maybe a year to see how I do. If I land any roles or spots in a choir. If not, I'd like to go to grad school. Eventually, when I'm too old to do shows and travel, I want to open my own studio and teach voice lessons.

I think that's a pretty solid plan. I think...And I could really be successful. But, there's so much more that I want to do. Like travel the world, meet famous people, continue my education. I want to write! Life would be so amazing to live like Carrie Bradshaw. A columnist for a huge New York newspaper, living a fabulous life in the city with fashion, men, and great friends. I want that. It scares me that in two years, I actually have to go out and do this stuff. I actually have to go to NYC and live my plan instead of just talking about it. And it worries me that it won't be what I want. I worry that I won't be the person I want to be by that time. And that I won't have the security I'm used to. Or the friends. Or anything really...I'm scared that I'll fail.

How Did I Get Here?

One of my favorite musicals is Jonathan Larson's Rent. I wrote a huge paper comparing it to Giacomo Puccini's La boheme for my music history class. And I've been listening to the soundtrack since I was maybe 14 years old. A song from that musical that continues to send chills up my spine is Halloween. Sung by the all around fantastic Anthony Rapp. His character, Mark, walks around a cemetery that a friend has been recently buried in and tries to remember how current things came to be. He sings: "How did I get here? How the hell?"


I find myself asking this question lately. How did I get here? I'm 20 years old, single, working in a Deli making 25 cents more than minimum wage, with two more years left of college. I'm well aware of where I am and somewhat of where I'm going. But where did I come from? How the hell did I get here?

• On January 7, 1991 I was born. So that's obviously how I came to be 20 years old. 
• The last boyfriend I had was Mathew in 8th grade. How pathetic. I haven't even kissed a guy since him. Talking to people, predominantly attractive people, is difficult and awkward for me. So flirting is usually out of the question. I guess that's how I came to be single.
•  Last summer, I filled out a large number of applications for jobs in the area. No one called me. This year, I applied to the same places and low-and-behold, Foodtown hired me! They put me in the deli because of my experience with serving semi-prepared food. Thus, I slice meats and cheeses all day.
• In high school, my choir director talked about his alma mater all the time. So much that I was eventually interested in seeing the campus and he was more than happy to show me. In no time at all, I was a freshman at Moravian College. And in what seems to be even less time, I was done as a sophomore at Moravian College. I tell people that I chose Moravian because it was small, the music department was great, and the whole liberal arts thing. But the real reason I chose it was because...well...I didn't really choose it. I felt like I had to go to Moravian. My grades weren't good enough to get into other schools and I never actually took the application process seriously. I applied for early decision and scheduled an audition time for the music department. If you were to ask my mom, she would tell you that I applied to Moravian, Temple, and West Chester. But Moravian was my first choice. Little does she, or anyone else, know that I never applied anywhere else but Moravian. I felt like I had it in the bag. Like I didn't have to try so hard because they were going to accept me anyway. And I was right. So, that's the real reason that I live in Bethlehem 9 months out of the year. That's how I got here. 

I'm not sure if I'm proud of myself. There seems to be so much more left for me to do. Like, I'm not yet standing still. So, I can't really know how I got here if I don't know where I am.

Love

Does it really exist like how they write poems and songs about? Will it change my life like it's changed so many other people's? And if so....when? Because I'm starting to believe that alone is just how I'm supposed to spend my life.

Big Girl In A Skinny World

"Maybe I should just go to bed and give up on life."

I had all these plans today. I wanted to hang out with Dana and help her find a birthday present for her boyfriend. Start some laundry. Work out. Wash my hair. I did none of those things. Well hanging out with Dana didn't plan out because I got called in to work. But I totally had time to do those other things. Yet for some stupid, unknown reason...I didn't.

Instead, I sat on my computer looking at pictures of gorgeous, skinny women. Some of them are real life people I'm friends with on Facebook. I looked at recital dresses. All the ones that don't flatter my figure let alone come in my size. And at 11:00pm, I looked at myself in the mirror and said: "Maybe I should just go to bed and give up on life."

Why is it that I feel so beautiful and confident in myself at one moment, and an ugly, waste of space the next? Is society telling me that I'm not skinny enough or pretty enough? Or am I telling myself that?

Something I've always wanted to make a part of my character is being positive. "Always look on the bright side of life." "With every cloud comes a silver lining." And suddenly at the peak of my positivity, that dreadful sentence leaks into my head and spews out of my mouth. That negative, nasty, awful sentence is not a part of my character. So why did I think it? Why did I say it?

I love to follow blogs about being "big and proud"! I love Ashley Falcon and her Big Girl in a Skinny World articles in Marie Claire. But to be completely honest, I'm not happy with myself. It's not that I want to shop and Abercrombie & Fitch. It's more so that I'd like to at least have the option to shop there. Their jeans only go up to a size 12! 12?!?!?!? Not even a 14 or 16! And I wear an 18! I'm not happy that I have to go to "specialty stores" to find clothes that fit me. Why can't everybody's body be the norm?

Someday, I think that I will be 100% comfortable and happy with my body. I just have no clue when that'll be and I don't see it in the near future.

Hello, from The Poconos!

Hi! My name is Jazzy and I'm a twenty year old college student studying Classical Voice Performance. I just completed my second year in college and it's really starting to hit me how fast life changes. A very smart, influential friend of mine once told me: "The only thing constant in life is change." As I grow, (as a musician, a woman, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a lover, a writer, an artist) I'd love more than anything to have something that holds my life as a twenty-something. Something to look back on and reminisce when I'm a thirty-something or forty-something. Thus, this blog begins.

As I sit here in my tiny bedroom, the same one I've been living in since I was maybe 15 years old, watching another Glee finale...I can't help but wonder what I'll be doing on this same day next year. And also, I can't help but to think about where I was a year ago on this day. Time is crazy and my friend was right. The only thing constant in life is change.