"Maybe I should just go to bed and give up on life."
I had all these plans today. I wanted to hang out with Dana and help her find a birthday present for her boyfriend. Start some laundry. Work out. Wash my hair. I did none of those things. Well hanging out with Dana didn't plan out because I got called in to work. But I totally had time to do those other things. Yet for some stupid, unknown reason...I didn't.
Instead, I sat on my computer looking at pictures of gorgeous, skinny women. Some of them are real life people I'm friends with on Facebook. I looked at recital dresses. All the ones that don't flatter my figure let alone come in my size. And at 11:00pm, I looked at myself in the mirror and said: "Maybe I should just go to bed and give up on life."
Why is it that I feel so beautiful and confident in myself at one moment, and an ugly, waste of space the next? Is society telling me that I'm not skinny enough or pretty enough? Or am I telling myself that?
Something I've always wanted to make a part of my character is being positive. "Always look on the bright side of life." "With every cloud comes a silver lining." And suddenly at the peak of my positivity, that dreadful sentence leaks into my head and spews out of my mouth. That negative, nasty, awful sentence is not a part of my character. So why did I think it? Why did I say it?
I love to follow blogs about being "big and proud"! I love Ashley Falcon and her Big Girl in a Skinny World articles in Marie Claire. But to be completely honest, I'm not happy with myself. It's not that I want to shop and Abercrombie & Fitch. It's more so that I'd like to at least have the option to shop there. Their jeans only go up to a size 12! 12?!?!?!? Not even a 14 or 16! And I wear an 18! I'm not happy that I have to go to "specialty stores" to find clothes that fit me. Why can't everybody's body be the norm?
Someday, I think that I will be 100% comfortable and happy with my body. I just have no clue when that'll be and I don't see it in the near future.
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