The All Too Familiar Feeling Of Disappointment

You would think that by now, after getting my hope knocked down millions of times, that I would be used to this. Oddly enough, I'm still heartbroken every time. I don't understand how someone can make a promise and not keep it. I don't understand how you can work so hard to make things go right and they just go wrong.

Today was my last day of working in the deli for the summer. I was happy and hopeful and excited for the night to come. Some people (who aren't good enough to me to be called "friends", but are too good to me to be called "coworkers") planned to have a midnight swim party to celebrate my hiatus and the end of summer. It sounded fun. I thought that this would be my last chance to really have fun this summer after working so hard. I was promised that even though I didn't have a ride, somehow I would get to the party. And somehow I would have a fun night. Well...I didn't get to the party and I am most certainly not having a fun night. I've been chain smoking and listening to Explosions in the Sky. Does that sound fun?! NO!

So, really...why am I upset?

I thought that maybe after all the sucky "friendships" I've had, that these people might actually be worth my while. I thought that they actually cared enough about me to make sure that I got to the party. But I'm not so important to them and that's the hardest thing to live with. I'm disappointed that I don't mean nearly as much to them as they do...did...to me.

Responsibility

I don't really know what I'm doing. Nor do I know what I'm supposed to be doing. I mean, I have an idea; I'm supposed to go to school and get a degree, then get a job, then get married, then have babies, then retire, and then die statistic. But I don't want to. Do I really have to?

It seems like a lot of responsibility to put on one person. To live a photo-copied life of another's. What is that? Society. And I'm against it. I'm against the idea and the responsibility. I'm going to school and I'm going to get my degree and then I'm going to drive a VW van across the country with some good friends. We're going to stop in every state and write a song. And perform it. Once we get to California, I want to be free of the human race and exist solely with Nature. But is that really going to happen? Who knows?

39 MPH in a 20 MPH Zone

Today, I got my first (and LAST) ticket. In my own community! I'm so furious that I could curse in public! I don't like to do that because it isn't ladylike, but also because I want to save it for when I'm really, really, really angry. Ugh. This day just sucks and I want...need it to be over.  I feel like crying.

On the bright side, the ticket won't go on my license because it wasn't on a real road. It was just in my community. Whoopie...

Mutual Friends

Sometimes, people you know can change your life. And sometimes, people you know know other people that can change your life.

I got a friend request on Facebook from David Malachowski today. Now, I have a mutual friend with Anthony Rapp. One of my idols. And it's not just somebody he's worked with once a million years ago. He's the guitarist that goes on tour with him and has been playing with him since Rent opened in 1996!

I feel as though today marks the beginning of my life. Maybe I'll get to meet him. And if I do meet him, maybe I'll get to meet Anthony. Then, I can cross that off my bucket list. How amazing is that?! Wow! There is hope for happiness!

I Have This Friend

He hurts me without even knowing. Without even trying. I don't want to love him, but for some stupid reason...I do. I wish he thought about me as often as I think about him. I wish he cared about me like he does his current friends. And I wish it wasn't so blatantly obvious that we'll never be together. I hate that it's pretty much impossible for us to be anything more than friends. It's not fair and it hurts my feelings.

I formed a band with my best friend. We're called Juniper and Lamplight. Our first song is about him. A lot of the songs I write are about him. She doesn't know that. Yet. I'll tell her eventually so we can both sing it with the same meaning. But for now, I'd like to just keep it to myself. Maybe the feelings will go away. And then again, maybe they won't. "But what else can we do but hope and pray and say that we'll get by? "

This is a screenshot of what this blog currently looks like from my computer. Currently, my purple Dell Inspiron (who I like to call "Mister") is very temperamental. He pretty much only works when he wants to and usually throws a fit when I'm at school. Apparently, he hates Bethlehem and I have no idea why. But this summer I'm trying to save money for a Mac. They last so much longer and I would sure hope so seeing as how expensive they are. This post is for thirty or forty-something me that's looking back. Enjoy the blast from the past!

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

When I was 5, I wanted to be a lion.
When I was 10, I wanted to be an astronaut/actress.
When I was 15, I wanted to be a rock star.
Now I'm 20 and I have this whole plan for my life, but there's so much more I want to do.

After I graduate college, I want to move to NYC. There, I want to find an apartment and a roommate (or 5) to split the rent. I want to get a quick job at a Starbucks or something while auditioning for Broadway shows and professional choirs. I want to give myself maybe a year to see how I do. If I land any roles or spots in a choir. If not, I'd like to go to grad school. Eventually, when I'm too old to do shows and travel, I want to open my own studio and teach voice lessons.

I think that's a pretty solid plan. I think...And I could really be successful. But, there's so much more that I want to do. Like travel the world, meet famous people, continue my education. I want to write! Life would be so amazing to live like Carrie Bradshaw. A columnist for a huge New York newspaper, living a fabulous life in the city with fashion, men, and great friends. I want that. It scares me that in two years, I actually have to go out and do this stuff. I actually have to go to NYC and live my plan instead of just talking about it. And it worries me that it won't be what I want. I worry that I won't be the person I want to be by that time. And that I won't have the security I'm used to. Or the friends. Or anything really...I'm scared that I'll fail.